Here's the chronicle of a 70 year old midwestern white woman who has a wicked tongue and a passion for gaming. This woman is the sh*t. She owns every console system and has probably played every popular hit for the past thirty years.

__________________________________


First Post

My friends encouraged me to start this blog to share my grandma with the world. Anyone who lives near us hearing her scream "f*cking Cocksucker Won't f*ckING DIE!!" at the television at very late hours knows she's something special. I'm her 22 year old grandson and I wouldn't trade her for the world- for many reasons; but one stands out.

My Grandma plays video games. Wait- no, that doesn't do it justice: Grandma is f*cking hardcore. She has a decent size TV in her room with surround sound, Digital Cable (through she never watches), GameCube, XBox, Playstation 2, SNES, and Genesis (with the 32X if you can believe that). It's not just that she plays, anyone can go through the motions of a walkthrough of a console game if they plug at it enough, she's good. She plays anywhere from 12 to 16 hours a day for RPG (Final Fantasy Series, Xenosaga, Zelda Series, Ico, etc.,.); 10 to 12 hours if she's on a sports fix (Outlaw Golf is particularly a favorite at the moment); and she gets kicks from destroying guests at the Multiplayer of your choice while serving them the indignity of simultaneously providing delicious cookies.

She's had two knee replacements and countless surgeries. If you were to see her in a grocery store you would see a old, Midwestern diabetic with thick glasses held up by a crutch or a shopping cart stumbling along smiling at everybody. She's polite, a safe driver, mother of five and grandmother of twelve. She's great. But if you get her in front of a game she likes, she becomes a monster; a demon who craves the blood, nay- the life-force of her enemies manifested as a swear happy old lady in a comfy chair. She has destroyed many controllers in frustration, already wore out two PS2's, and will gladly walk into a Gamestop or EB Games with the swagger of one with more knowledge about games and gaming than the teenager behind the counter can ever hope to amass.

This blog will be a chronicle to my experiences with this fascinating woman. I will update will new stories as well as memories of past campaigns.

______________________________________


Grandma Destroyed Resident Evil 4

Grandma became audibly angered at this GameCube gem enough to curse the Nintendo name forever. It wasn't because she didn't like it- she did; but the sound of a chainsaw wielding madman screaming some unpleasantness in Spanish is quickly followed in our house by the cries of Grandma bellowing back an equally powerful rebel yell as though the two screams would somehow negate one another, thus saving Leon enough time to dodge the attack- but alas- decapitation came frequently.

The problem with RE4, at least for us, is there is this stupid chick who you have to 'protect' from the zombie like 'European Religo-Fundies' (as she likes to call them) who keeps finding herself being schleped off to the nearest viable exit by a bad guy. Now this isn't nearly as hard as, say- protecting the princess in Ico, but like Ico- the game has a new quality that brings a unique sort of screaming in the house. The following are actual quotes my Grandma used while playing Resident Evil 4:

"NO! Stupid Bitch!"

"f*cking Bitch, get out of the way when I'm shooting!"

"f*ck! f*ck!!!! Why can't I just give her the f*cking ...TMP so we can get by these assholes while she just stands there!"

"[mimicking the cries of Ashley in a high pitched crazy-voice] LEEOON! HEELLP! I'M A STUPID BITCH AND GOT CAUGHT AGAIN!!!"

"Motherf*cking whore won't duck when I shoot!"

Now Grandma doesn't have Tourett's Syndrome anymore than she thinks Ashley is actually a whore, but she was entitled to the aggression seeing as she's put so many hours into the game to get the Chicago Typewriter, a machine gun with infinite ammo. In order to get the weapon, you first have to get through a mini-game, Assignment Ada after the first completion of the game in normal mode. It took Grandma three days to get through the mini-game because of "pain-killers." (She's recovering from a knee replacement) I told her she was just losing her style.

Other parts of the game where geriatric vulgarity was rampant included any time you had to press a combination of buttons simultaneously to dodge an attack. According to Grandma, the character "Krauser" was a "f*cker," and the giant like creatures were "cocksuckers."

To her credit, she did end up getting the Chicago Typewriter, The Handcannon, and the Infinite Launcher, all the while swearing that the authors of the strategy guide purchased at Circuit City were "liars" and "had probably played the Japanese version." The only thing I bested Grandma in RE4 were the "Target Practice" galleries, in which, she said- "I can't do sh*t."

__________________________________


Doctor's Appointment

Well, Grandma just got back from her doctor's appointment. It turns out that all the specialists and MD's and nurses and therapists weren't really sure how to communicate to each other. She had a blood clot after her knee replacement a couple months ago, but they didn't mention that until page three of their report to her MD, so the blood thinners they prescribed were a mystery to several doctors who thought they would only read the first page of said report. Needless to say, Grandma was pissed. In her words: "Someone f*cked up, and now I'm hurting for it."

__________________________________


Grandma Destroyed Ratchet and Clank: Up Your Arsenal

It's about time, too. The voice acting in this particular game is cute and all, but dude: when the player is a 70 year old woman who turns it up because she hates answering the phone with her hearing aid (feedback's a bitch), the little quips and humorous cut-scenes get pretty old.

She really liked this game, though; better than the first one she says. The potty-mouth was abound at times, however, when she would have to jump from tall, far away platform to some other tall, far away platform, the most used word was "sh*t." It was just like the good old days of Crash Bandicoot.

__________________________________


Grandma's Playing Outlaw Golf 2

When it comes to Outlaw Golf 2, Grandma's game is not at it's peak. There are a ton of characters, The Range, which is essentially a bunch of mini games, and a long tour, so to get 100% in this game is pretty daunting. She turned off the commentary and voices and she's plowing away at this game, trying her damndest to reach the point of "why bother." She doesn't understand the dynamics of the controls as well as the PGA series Golf Games, or even Hot Shots 1 & 2, so I usually beat her pretty bad when we go head to head. The thing is- is when she's putting, she turns on the grid and very carefully counts up and down the number of cells she needs to adjust, and she messes it up. If by chance, she does make the projected path go into the hole, she will mess up at the power meter and swear profusely.

So here is some sample dialogue of Grandma and I as she plays tour mode of Outlaw Golf 2:

"G- [While choosing the costume for her player] Jesus Christ! Look what she's wearing! Her ass is hanging out!"

"G- f*ck! You hit the ball 10 feet and the asshole rolls 26 feet! You see that sh*t?"
"M- Yeah, it was... close."

"G- sh*t, you see what I mean about that wind? You could be out in f*ckin Timbuktoo you hit it anywhere near the pin."

"G- No, no no no no, too far dummy. Yeah, I knew you were going to roll way off."

"G- How the f*ck do you get it to drop by the pin and stay there?"
"M- You hit the bottom of the ball"
"G- The bottom? How do I do that?"
"M- [showing her which thumbstick to use] Here, like-"
"G- No! If you show me you'll just take credit when I win."

"M- Well, you came close to getting an ace..."
"G- I'm not playing f*cking horseshoes, Tim."

"G- That's a bunch of sh*t. [watching ghostball projection] How the hell did I end up way over there?"

"G- [on listening to the soundtrack] Did he say 'ghetto youth?' I don't understand rap most of the time. I don't know what the hell they're saying!"

_________________________________


Grandma is not "Street"

She just likes to swear. Yes, it may be due to to our non-existence at local churches, her blue-collar upbringing, her particular fondness of spicy food, but who really cares why she is the way she is. It may have been an overstatement to say she is a kindly old lady "off the court" and that her personality somehow changes when she's gaming; an overstatement only because she is somewhat a pariah with the local neighborhood kids.

This requires further background. In our house at the moment before next semester there is Grandma, 69; Mom, 43; Me, 22; Kenny, 14; and the twins, Barbie (named after Grandma) and Bobby, both 12. This means that my younger siblings friends are of that annoying stage of their life where every stick they pick up is a phallus and every hole they find is a sphincter; producing an age of crazed MTV / Nick Jr. hybrids who listen to decent music yet still scream "PENIS!!" when riding by a tree on their bike.

This, understandably, is pretty g*ddamn irritating. Grandma, however, is not one to just let the penis-bikers roll by, thinking "Christ, they're going to look back on themselves and cry" like the rest of us; no. She will proceed to terrify the living sh*t out of these kids. She has screamed out the window for complete stranger's children to "Get the f*ck out of our LAWN your making our f*ckING dogs f*ckING BARK!!!" Now normally, I would quietly laugh to myself thinking they get what they deserve, I mean- it's their fault we have to go 25 m.p.h. in this godforsaken neighborhood; but it's not always the punks that get yelled at. Sometimes it's some innocent little boy, playfully chasing a seseme street ball into the yard just a bit, right before going back to his Daddy and trying to enjoy a happy fun game outside. Grandma doesn't always wear her glasses, she only knows that the Sith cater to no one when you turn off the auto-pause function in Knights of the Old Republic, and that the dogs won't shut up- ruining some good dialogue between Carth and Bastilla on the nature of the Dark Side; so out the window goes her head, stretching so far outside the skin on her neck portrudes veins not meant to be seen, like some comic book character emoting in sheer extremeness: "GET THE f*ck OUT OF THE YARD, ASSHOLE!!!!!!"

I feel bad for the kid, and for the kid's father who now has to explain to his sobbing boy why the mean lady across the street hates him so much, but she's Grandma, so whatchagonnadoo?

_________________________________


Why Social Security Should Buy Grandma an XBox 360...

It turns out it takes a very long while to actually get 100% in OG2; so until she gets a new game in the next week or so let me go over our current issue: which next-gen console does she reserve?

She really wants an XBox 360; and if she puts away $50 a week she'll get it by the time it comes out; but she also wants a PS3, because the game archive is so large; but she really wants a Nintendo Revolution; because she digs the idea of playing all the classic NES and SNES and N64 games at which she vehemetly cursed so long ago. Thing is, she's on social security, and she has health problems, so she has to map out her priorities.

So far we have several possibilities:

Halo 3 > GTA > Mario > Medication > Food

but...
FFXII > Madden 360 > Kirby > Nachos > Pain Pills

but...
Zelda > Xenosaga > Crimsom Skies > Percocet > Ramen Noodles

So you see our problem.

---Update: Grandma got Fazed!---
Rock on, man! To answer some comments and e-mails:

First- I will surely put up some pictures, but my hope is to also get some sound so you can get the full effect of this woman. I'll try some video, I just hope Case's network will host it for me.

Second- Nope, no donations, no pay-pal or any of that old thing (I'm not even putting up GoogleAds), I just want to share this woman with the public. Although, thanks for the thought. Grandma has always gotten each system, she's not poor, she rents like a banshee on crack; it's just a question of which one does she get first. I'm betting PS3 cause she's cuckoo for Squaresoft.

Third- Here's a message to the wee lad from Best-Buy who was kind enough to drop me a line: f*ck you and f*ck the blue-shirted suggestive-sale based pay horse you rode in on. Games may be marketed for kids but many are made for everybody (hence the rating system.) If Grandma want to pump CJ up to maximum levels and go beat some digitized whores in her afternoon, she can if she wants. Rockstar games wouldn't have it any other way, my friend.

Fourth- Thanks! I know she's not the only gamer granny out there and its good to hear from the rest of yas. I'll keep updating for all'y'all.

________________________________


Grandma Has Destroyed All Humans

I don't think the old lady laughed this hard since Toejam and Earl; but god dammit she thought the beginning of this game was funny.

"Look! I get to pick up a cow!! AAAHHAHAHAHAHAA!!!"

"SHE sh*t HERSELF!!! I SHOT HER WITH AN ANAL PROBE AN SHE sh*t HER SELF TO DEATH!!!!"

"You can make the cow do the chicken dance! Dance f*cker!!!"

And so on. That is, until she realized the mini-missions are really, incredibly hard. Then she stopped laughing and returned to her normal, cheerful ball of geriatric demons. One point of the game of particular annoyance was when she had to "take the form of the mayor of town and convince people nothing was going on." It's sort of a KOTOR thing where you have several options for dialogue. You could A) Blame it on Communists; Say you haven't seen anything strange; C) Blame it on rebellious youth listening to jazz music; or D) Kill them all! She kept saying kill them, and the mission would fail. Grandma would scream in protest.
"You have to blame it on the communists," I'd say.
She'd reply: "But the god damn title is Destroy All f*cking Humans!! It doesn't make sense!!"
Then she would go into a strange, under-the-breath diatribe about how games that were not sold as Metal Gear Solid should not be Metal Gear Solid with "all that sneaking around sh*t..."

It took her about 16 hours of gameplay to get 100%, which unlocked some B-Movie "Teenagers from Outer Space," which she proceeded to watch in it's entirety. Trying reading about terrorism with that in the background. It really puts everything in perspective.

___________________________________


O, The Childhood Memories

After talking with some family who discovered the site via Fazed (instant recognition, moments of "yeah, that's gotta be Mom...") I realized that Grandma's gaming cred goes way back before I was born. I knew she played an Atari 6400, but I assumed my first memories of her passion were angry controller spiking and fervent swearing with the likes of the Duck Hunt / Mario Brothers bundled pack with the original NES. Not so, it turns out. My mother and her siblings tell tales of Donkey Kong, Pac Man (and the subsequent feminist hit, "Ms. Pac Man") with Grandma having a similar attitude. She says: "Christ, I remember her swearing at Pong." I can remember the big antique arcade screens at bowling allys and bars, but even I didn't assume she sought after them. I suppose it fits her character.


In light of this new information, here are some memories of days gone by:

[in a mocking voice, trying to sound mentally ill] "Neeayh! The Princess is in another castle!!"

"Did you see that?! The f*cking dog is laughing at me!! I wonder if you can SHOOT HIM!!" [fires several rounds from a red NES pistol]
Me- "You're wasting your ammo"
Grandma - "Shut the f*ck up. I hate the dog."

[playing Milon's Secret Castle] "I can't get on the f*ckING LEDGE!! HE WON'T JUMP, DAMMIT!!"

[playing Gauntlet] "What did it say? I shot the food? Couldn't I STILL EAT IT WITH AN ARROW STICKING OUT!? I'M NOT GOING TO EAT THE ARROW!!"

[playing Empire Strikes Back on SNES] "Jump! JUMP DAMN YOU!!! f*ck!!!!"

[playing Disney's Aladdin on Genesis] "I swear to Christ, I can't get on the ledge. It's impossible. They made this game impossible." [ten minutes later] "f*ck!!!"

[playing Columns] "AAAHHHH!!!!!!"

[playing DuckTales] "I swear to God. This is so... look, if it's this hard how are kids suppose to do this, when even I can't? It's Donald Duck!! It's for god damn KIDS!"

[playing Spot Goes To Hollywood] "Get on the LEDGE!!! JUMP, DUMMY!!" [shows me the controller] Look!!! I'm f*cking pressing.... [mashes buttons on controller until face turns red from stress] ...the f*ckING BUTTON!!!!"


More to come... Thanks for the comments! Pictures coming soon!


---Update:

Open replies to e-mails and comments: Yes, she really talks like this. Yes, it's sort of intimidating for new players to come over and face her. No, she's not on Xbox-Live; and here's why: Grandma doesn't like playing online. She doesn't like the idea of an eleven year old calling her a cock-sh*t. Most XBox Live players are pretty cool, but you have one bad experience... It's the same reason she doesn't eat at Bob's Big Boy anymore (just replace the foul-mouthed pre-teen with a boody scab in a burger and you get the idea.) Halo 2 is one thing, but the idea of someone watching her struggle in an RPG sort of scares her, so you won't find FFXI in her top ten.

Also: a couple of you pointed out "Atari 6400? ...what the sh*t is that?" Couldn't tell ya. I was an infant when she would put a cartridge in a black and brown looking thingy and some dots on the screen thing would move and go 'beep!', so... you're right, I don't remember the model number on her first system, but I will find out for you. When she talked about it I thought she refered to it as a 6400, but I could be wrong. Again, my first cogent memories of the woman were two player mode on Super Mario Brothers. Good eye, though, thanks for the catch.

Thanks for the comments! If all goes well (she rented Prince of Persia last night) I will have pictures up by tommorow. ---

_________________________________



oghc.blogspot.com